last night you told me you loved me. you whispered in my ear, and i didnt even know what to feel. imediatley after you pinky promised me it was true. i find it hard to believe that someone could love me and i keep on questioning it, even though i know you mean it. i didnt say it back, i could picture the smile radiating through you if i had, and yes i wanted to make you feel that way, but i also wanna make sure i mean it. i feel with how my life is, i am so unstable. i have a lot going on, but you are something i can always count on. ive never had anyone that has made me so happy. i can spend countless hours with you, and it just never seems like enough. i know its soon, but i think i love you too. i just want to make sure. but be sure, i like you 110.

i havent been on here much at all recently. i just simply havent had the time, but i would like to sneak in here for a bit to fill you in. i have met a boy. his name is benjamin evans, we have been dating for a little over two months, but it feels like so much longer. he says that all the time, and people are always like, “im not sure if thats a good or a bad thing” but to me? it sounds like a good thing, because i know why he says it. cause he is happy, and so am i. i did not think it was possible for another person to make you this happy. i can now understand what a real relationship is. yes i have had many other boyfriends, but none of them can compare to the relationship and bond i have with this boy. he is tall and compliments my height, and although his pale skin, blue eyes, and blonde hair often lead us to get mistaken as siblings, i do not mind. he has been the perfect gentlemen, opens doors, refuses to swear around me, volunteers to go to family parties, doesnt drink or smoke. it is hard for me to find one fault with him. we have both been sick for almost our whole relationship, and he has dealt with all my ugly lazy day outfits, and days where i do not leave my bed. we always say that we are delusional for each other, cause we both cannot comprehend why we love the other one so much. its hard to be apart because we are both so happy together.there is so much i feel like i need to say about him, but i do not even know where to start. i think that the most important thing to say is that we are delusional in happiness, and i do not want it to end.

hurricane sandy could send a tree smashing through my house, and it could land on me, ending my life. id be okay with this. not saying that i’m suicidal, because i am positively not. i am just okay with where i am in my life. ive done what i can do. ive been nice to those who ive had opportunity  and ive attempted reconciliation with those i felt i needed. i do not know what my purpose in life is, i know i have one. maybe it is to die. that would be ironic, but somehow maybe it would prove useful. my death may stir something. a realization to people, to those who once loved me, who currently love me. if i left this earth i would be reconnected with god, and my father. this would be the best thing that i could ask for. what is really left for me on this earth? a bunch of hopeless nights filled with my thoughts that never make sense. my short temper with my mother that hurts her, but i cant control. sleeplessness. being preoccupied wondering why i am not good enough for those who left me. essentially nothing. nothing keeps me here. i know this sounds rather pessimistic, but as sandy echoes through my home i am driven to just let out a little of my thoughts. i normally do not reside in such a dull thinking, i try to remain positive and high headed but sometimes you just have to let yourself sink.